Friday, May 20, 2011

In The Beginning

You know the scene in the 3rd Lord of the Rings where Gollum is having a fight with himself.  Yeah, that's what it felt like to me in the beginning.

Okay, gotta get going, gotta do some running.  Got the iPod, now I can go.

Let's start this off by walking a bit, a brisk walk and then I'll start running.  Don't want to strain myself.

Okay, first song is over, I should really start running.  1, 2, 3, go! 
Why are you not running?

Just do it, just start, it'll be okay.  There you go! 
Ha!  This isn't so bad.  These running shoes are awesome.

Oh, feeling a little burn in the calves and I can still see the house, so that's probably a bad sign. 
Just run until you get to that yellow sign up ahead, then you can take a breather.  This is your first time out.

Why is the yellow sign moving away from me? 
That's perposterous, just calm down.
Or did I past the yellow sign and this is a new one?  Dang it, I need to rest, but I have to make it to the yellow sign!  Where is it? 
It's right there, don't panic!
Why am I not getting there faster?  What the $&@# is going on!  Arrgghhh!

Why does it feel like my lungs are collasping?  I...can't...breathe! 
Yes you can.
I can't fill my lungs!  Is that a pain in my left arm? 
You are not having a heart attack, you drama queen.
I'm only 29!

There, just needed to stop for a minute, stretch the calves, take a deep breath. 
Okay, get going, let's do this.  This song is a really good one, just run to the song. 
Here we go, nevermind the jiggles.

Ugh, my stomach is feeling weird.  Am I going to throw up? 
No, just push through it, you a NOT going to vomit.  You WILL NOT vomit.  If you vomit and someone stops to help you, how are you going to say, "No thanks, I'm fine," with chunks of that protein bar you ate this morning in your mouth?!

My shoulders hurt? Why do my shoulders hurt?  Am I even using my shoulders right now?  I don't understand!
Are you crying?
*Sniff* No! 

I'm runnin', I'm runnin', I'm runnin', I'm runnin'.  Oh, Bradley Peterson is up for re-election I see.  Well, Mr. Petersen, if you can take away the stinging in my chest right now, I'll vote for ya!

Man, it's hot!  The all of my energy.  Why does the sun give energy to everything else but me?  That's messed up!
Really?  You're blaming the sun now?

Ugh, I really want to stop. 
Don't stop! 
Please, let me stop! 
Just turn your music up higher. 
Yeah, then if my lungs and heart explode, I won't hear it!

Where are the sprinklers?  Look at all of these lawns and NO ONE is watering them right now?  Your grass needs water, dangit!  I'm on fire! Please, turn on your sprinklers!

Okay, here comes that song.  The song that makes you want to sprint.  Do it!  You can sprint for a bit.  It gets your heart going and it'll get you stronger.  Here it comes......sprint! 
Okay, I'm sprinting, I'm doing it, ha!  Leg cramp, leg cramp, oh, stupid, stupid, stupid!  Thaaaat was stupid!
Walk it off! 
I can't walk!

Back on your feet now, get going. 
Whew! Okay!  I'm up. 

Why do I feel so heavy?  Why am I going to slow? 
 Because you're crawling you moron. 

Ah! I can see the house!  Yeah, I'm almost done! 
You know you have to do this again tomorrow right? 
Shut up and let me have this victory!

I made it! Just gonna lay down for a minute and breathe.  Close my eyes and rest just for a minute.
That wasn't so bad, right?

Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit, but some of this honestly went through my head while I was running.  I wish I could write while I ran; that's when I get my best ideas.  Anyway, I hope my self-deprecation (I think that's the right word) entertained you, even a little bit.


cleggclan said...

I've decided to be a FOLLOWER of this blog. The above post is ME! lol. I tried running last fall and I swear this was a replay of my first run. Okay, it's a little exaggerated and Bradley Petersen isn't running for anything in my town, but close! The problem is that I never got to the awesomeness that is ANNA. I didn't make it past that first run. I use lots of excuses. The best excuse is that I have 3 kids, 2 of which don't fit in a jogging stroller (which I don't have) and a husband that is never home. But they are old enough to ride bikes. Maybe I could get them to be my couches this summer... I'll keep you updated if you keep me motivated! Thanks Anna!!!

Jani said...

This was hilarious!! I was laughing so hard I had tears flowing down my cheeks. This needs to be sent to some magazine or newspaper somewhere. You captured what so many newbie runners feel but are afraid to tell. You go girl! You are the best! And I'm not just saying that because I'm your mom -- well maybe I am - but you're still "the best"! Love ya

Carol said...

Wow! This post was awesome! I was laughing so hard! I absolutely HATE running--with a strong, burning passion--unless there's a reason for running, like chasing a ball or something. Then I don't seem to think about how much and how far I'm running. When I run outside, I know how far I'm going because I can see it, and I get depressed at how fast I get winded. When I have run on treadmills, I haven't minded as much, because the distance is just a number to me--it doesn't translate to blocks, if that makes sense. Anyway, my husband is always trying to get me to run so that he and I can get into shape and lose a little extra weight. I guess I should really try and pick it up, but I just don't know if I want to start something I don't know I will really continue doing..... :)

Kristan said...

That was hilarious! Pretty sure I had most of those same thoughts when I first started running. Good thing it does get better!